From the old to the new

Dear God, this is Kelley.

I feel self-destructive. I feel rage. I feel on the edge of panic. And none of these feelings are in response to things in my present life. But this is par for the course for those of us who were abused as children.

Negative messages were pushed deep inside. Those messages don’t leave just because the abuse is over. No, they remain, and they upend: I am ugly; unworthy; overweight; spoiled; too expensive; and guilty of things I in no way could have caused. Though I don’t want to give these messages any “airtime,” they flood back anyway and overwhelm me. Like now.

All I did, God, was look in the mirror. This is dangerous for me. One of my abusers told me I could never be pretty. She told me how odd I was. She told me I was disgusting. Sometimes, this is what I see.

I know You will help me in this moment, Lord. I want You to take it away, yes, in an instant. But I know You do not work that way. You abide by the way You made us, and changes in how we think take time. I have to put forth the effort. I have to work with You to bring this change about.

So, God, I come to You now and lay this rage down at Your feet. I thank You for how You made me. I thank You for my face, my body, and all that I am. I ask for Your grace to love myself, even as the old messages shout in the background. I read the words You have given us…

“For the Lord delights in [me].” (Isaiah 62:4)

“I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13)

… and, slowly, the old becomes new.

Reflection

What messages can rush back upon you and threaten your peace of mind?

Prayer

Dear God, may I turn to You when these old messages come back to haunt me. May I work with You to stop their negative effect. May I so nurture Your words within me that these old lies lose the hold on me they once had. Thank You, Lord! Amen.