I’m leaning

I’m not straight this morning. I wanted to wake up on this Christmas Eve morning pretty straight. I wanted — and expected — to feel close to God, to have joy meet me when my eyes opened, to not even have to look for motivation to thank God for all I have. But it didn’t turn out that way. The loss of my son is pushing me over. Some issues from my past, ones that cast fear and doubt, and, yes, even some anger are hanging around, having been stirred up by this time of year. So, I limp toward my morning prayer, leaning.

It’s hard to find God when I’m leaning like this. A lot of stuff is in between, and I think I have to address each bit of it and “solve” it before I can find God and pray. Thank God, I’ve got that wrong.

It’s not me that has to find God when I come to prayer. God’s here. God is HERE. And when I come to pray, God couldn’t care less about the stuff in between. For sure, he’ll lead me to take care of it eventually, over time, if need be, but for now, for right now, that stuff, that lean doesn’t change what is more real than anything in this world: God is HERE.

Reflection

How does your mind, your body, your spirit respond to the truth, God is HERE?

Prayer

My God, I don’t have to look for you. I don’t have to wonder where you are and go and find you there. You are HERE, right where I am, right where I lean, sometimes toward you, sometimes away from you. I am no obstacle for you. Teach me to be in your presence. May I find rest, peace, joy, even when I’m leaning, and may I somehow share that rest, peace, and joy with all my fellow leaners on this holy day. Amen.