It isn’t dread anymore
Last night I had a dream about one of the men I was sold to. We were at a restaurant, and he was buying us an expensive dinner. I woke up with that familiar, horrible dread.
The word “dread” doesn’t really capture what was my default mode of being. Let me try to describe it. It was as if I was carrying an extremely heavy bag, one that cut into my shoulders and made my back scream. I couldn’t get it off, and no one else could see it. They might see the look on my face, a half help-me, half resignation, but, absent any apparent threat, what could they do?
What could I do? By this time in my life, I’d been programmed. By threats, by cruel manipulation, I played the role and paid a high price physically, psychologically, and spiritually.
I hesitate to include spiritually. I hesitate because it was on this realm that I found an odd stability, a comfort. It was on that realm that I was heard and somehow strengthened. I would come here often and, in time, coming here protected my spirit. It protected my core self. It saved me.
And now, actually, I’m taking a second look at the dread. It isn’t the same as it was then. No, this “dread” is like a weight, yes, but it is very bearable. There’s an element of strength to it. It is as if God has come up to it, taken it, fashioned it into a medal of honor and given it back to me. It’s an acknowledgement of what I suffered, what I survived.
Years ago, a dear mentor, John Zierten, a Marine veteran, gifted me with his Marine Correspondent’s patch. I display that patch where I see it daily. Yes, it reminds me of what I’ve been through, but see? It reminds me, too, that I got through. It reminds me how strong God and I are, together.
God transforms what keeps us down. Give God your dread. Let Him transform it.
Reflection
Does dread still visit you? Give that dread to God and ask Him to transform it.
Prayer
Dear God, thank you for taking what used to weigh me down, what used to frighten me and make me feel vulnerable and turn it into strength. Thank you for showing me that, beside You, I am a survivor. We are strong.
