Moving on…
I have to decide how to move on.
My son’s death has rattled my entire world. It has shaken loose the story boards upon which I wrote my beliefs, my causes, my views of the world. They lay scattered all over the floor. Which, if any, do I want to pick back up?
I look at my own suffering and see how much of my response to it does nothing to help me or others — proving this or that aspect of it; lamenting its lifelong consequences; wishing other loved ones would come alongside me to heal. These will not get picked back up.
I look next at my relationships and see how judgmental I can be — religiously, politically, socially. I will make every effort not to pick these back up.
There is God and my beliefs about Him. I’d thrown them into the suspect pile since the day we were told of Alex’s death. Now I’m picking each back up and wrapping them around me, grateful for their challenge.
And there he is, Alex. His pictures are all over, him at 4, at 12, at 18. I want to pick up every one, paste them to my body, and wear them like clothes so everyone will see how beautiful he is, how beautiful he was. Instead, I’ve picked up a few and put them in frames around the urn that holds his ashes. I’ve put the others in an album. I wear the plastic ring he won for me at a school festival when he was 9. And now instead of allowing the wrenching pain that accompanies every thought of him at various moments throughout the day to upend me, I’m quick to voice this prayer: “Thank you, God, for giving Alex to us. Thank you for choosing us to parent this wonderful soul. Thank you for giving us the grace to parent well and for stepping in when we didn’t do so well. Thank you, God, for Alex.”
Someone wrote that the death of a loved one should change us for the better. I like that. There are the causes I’ve been studying: Addictions; Child welfare; Poverty; Prison reform. These are all good, but, for now, they are overwhelming. I want the world to know Alex mattered. I want every person who is struggling to know they matter. There’s a small nonprofit right here in my city dedicated to impacting others on a daily basis in simple, ordinary ways. “Live simply so that others may simply live,” adorns their website and their storefront. I’ll stop studying causes and show up there, for Alex.
Reflection
Are you stuck in your suffering? How might advocating for another, volunteering for a cause close to your home and your heart, help you to shake yourself loose?
Prayer
O God, we do cry out to you! Suffering surrounds us, but we do not have to let it have the louder say! With you we are wise! With you, we are effective! With you, we realize just how much we and all others matter! Guide our steps as we attempt to move on from what hurts and take what matters with us.