Our awful God

I found out on July 24th that my youngest son had died on July 16. He did not have his wallet on him, and it took this long to identify his body.

I have not breathed for eleven days. Instantly, a new perspective was forced over my eyes, my heart, my mind. It was one I did not want, one I fought violently to refuse. God, in His mercy, led me to this prayer by theologian Walter Brueggemann, which reads in part:

We are double-minded in your presence,
because we treasure what you end
and we fear what you conjure --
but we are your people
and trust you all this day
in your awesome,
awful work.*

It is God’s awful work when He takes away those we love so very much. It is awful, and it is a forceful reminder that we must nurture what we believe at our core: we are more than our bodies; there is an after; God is here for us.

So, I have been practicing pulling out this belief. It has felt like dragging hundreds of pounds of rocks uphill. I’ve cried, screamed, given Him the silent treatment, and begged Him to help me see where my son is, where this “after” is, where Spirit moves about unencumbered by sense and physicality.

In my experience, sight is very much improved when done through tears, and I saw my son again, his hands shoved down into his pockets, his beautiful face looking down at me, his voice saying, “Mom, I’m right here. It’s all good.”

Our God is awful. Our God is awesome, and we who commit and consent to wrestle with this incongruity will be visited, time and time again, by his Presence.

May you commit and consent, today and always.

*Awed to Heaven, Rooted in Earth, Walter Brueggemann.