The edge

I am not well today. I am bitchy, on edge, discontent. I used to blame this feeling on disorder in my environment, so I’d dive into cleaning. There is always something to clean, to put into better order. For sure, cleaning was simply a distraction. Getting active, busy, moving was just a way to get on the other side of the edge. But what is the edge?

As a kid, it was apprehension. The edge was that ever-present dark cloud that hovered just above me. I’d do what I could to pretend it wasn’t there but, every once in a while, my eyes would catch sight of it, and its pall would descend. The edge was loaded with the memories of every bad thing that had happened thus far and the knowledge that it was going to happen again, just as soon as my father got home.

That is over, yes? So, why this edge now? For sure, it is pure memory. Abuse survivors, yes, must take time to deliberately replace the edge with the good of our present moment. That past apprehension was so profound, it made deep ruts within — and those ruts are well worn and well practiced. Therefore, they aren’t going away without some real effort.

But I think the edge now, for us, has an additional source: Trust. Granted, we can never come to trust our environment, our God, ourselves and those around us totally. Fear will always find its way in. But there comes a time when the rubber’s gotta meet the road. We need to be able to look into the mirror and say, “I can trust myself now.” This ability will come when we’ve moved ourselves into safe places, surrounded ourselves with safe people, and committed ourselves to truth telling.

We deserve to live without the edge. The power to do that is within our hands.

Reflection

What does your “edge” look like; how does it manifest itself? How can trusting yourself get rid of it?

Prayer

Dear God, I’m tired of feeling the edge. I thought if I trusted You, I wouldn’t feel this way. But, Lord, I see now, I can’t trust You until I trust myself. And you can’t give me that; I have to do it myself. But you can show me how. Show me how, Lord.

Trust is a gift, God. In fact, it is the very best gift. I want to give this gift to myself.