Why didn’t God hear me?

I brought my suffering to God. Starting at nine years old, I began whispering prayers to Him, laying before Him all the ways He could fix what was so painful in my life. After all, God is all-powerful, so He is able to answer our prayers, right? Except, He didn’t, and when He didn’t, I stumbled backward.

Why didn’t God hear me? Why didn’t God change my situation? God helps other people. What’s wrong with me? Did I pray wrong? Am I not important?

To hide my profound disappointment, I got angry with God. My anger was a good buffer; it helped me hide the fear that this God I was learning about was going to be just as unpredictable, just as unreliable, just as unable to see me as were the adults in my life.

Except He wasn’t, and on some level, I knew this.

Even with my head down, even with my arms crossed, even while spewing angry words at Him, I could see His light, both on my right and on my left. I knew He was with me. I knew His presence was buoying me, empowering me, guiding me.

How? How did I know this? How was God able to communicate with an angry and wounded child who had no real introduction to who God even was?

We need to concentrate more on detecting God’s presence in the midst of our suffering, rather than hyper-focus on whether or not He removed our suffering altogether.

Reflection

How have you learned to look to the right or to the left as you have entertained your anger with God? What have you seen? What might you see now?

Prayer

Oh, God, I was often angry with You. You were okay with this, as anger helped me to feel powerful, and I needed to feel powerful. Help me to see all the other ways You helped me as I suffered. I must have looked to the right and to the left, needing You to come through. Show me all the ways You did then, and all the ways You are now. Amen.