Common interlude

Oh, that low-level aggravation is here this morning, the kind that will pick at anybody around me, including myself. I won’t voice these pickings. They just sit, stew, and brood. If I don’t address them, they will boil over — onto someone. So, it is best for me to come sit with God and see where He leads me with this mood of mine.

I know where it comes from. It is anger, yes, but anger originates in fear. I am afraid, and why? Oh, it is left over, left over and stale from years of being left alone emotionally, years of being the object of unpredictable attack, whether from perpetrators of sexual abuse or words and looks of disapproval from my mother. Often, it stemmed from the evaluation of my body that occurred on so many occasions. I had to stay thin — perpetrators didn’t want chubby young girls. I wouldn’t make money that way. Add to this the fact that my father’s obsession with my mother’s weight caused agony in me and in her.

Vestiges of all of this still linger. I wonder if they will always be with me. If I work with them effectively enough, will they fade? And how do I work with such a vestige? I used to assure myself I wasn’t fat; or, I’d go running or work out to silence that fear, those voices that picked, picked, picked. But, as it is now, I am a bit chubby — and reluctant to go out and run in December. Besides, I don’t want my self-acceptance to be based on a physical evaluation. I’ve had enough of that; and, as a woman, I’ve had enough of that just in our daily culture!

So, I picture me standing with Christ. We are looking back at yesterday. Spread across the floor are all the words said from those evaluations, all the “jokes” made about my mother’s body, all the images of the pain caused. And, now, Christ makes all these pale in comparison to what we see ahead of us: words in green lettering —

“She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs at the days to come.” (Proverbs 31:25)

“For the Lord delights in you.” (Isaiah 62:4)

I let the impact of these words wash over me. I glance back and see what was yesterday there, yes, but paler still. I look ahead and now is added color, bright and bold. I know I am loved now. I am safe now. I am healing now.

Reflection

What are common interludes that plague you?

Take time to list each one that God brings to mind and beside it write words from the Bible that speak the truth to these falsehoods. (See perhaps Philippians 4:13; Jeremiah 31:34; Jeremiah 18:6; Psalm 32:7-8; Genesis 50:20; 2Corinthians 6:2-3; Isaiah 49:15-16; Jeremiah 29:11; John 16:33)

Prayer

Dear God, I am sorry for what seems to be my default: cynicism, doubt, suspicion, anger, fear. I want to lay these down. I want to be open, strong, positive. I know I can be open, strong, and positive with You. Help me to come to You each time this default has the upper hand. May my trust in You, Lord, grow.