Distance (part 2)

Dear God, this is Kelley.

So, we’re here again, You and I. I know You don’t have a face, so I can’t really read how You are looking at me. I get that. So, what about Jesus? Can I try to imagine Him looking at me? And if I imagine something, does that make it true? Will that make it “take?” After all, it has years of ingrained “I don’t matter” to overcome (see blogpost “At a distance,” June 5, 2024).

I can hear every Bible teacher tell me: “Jesus loved you so much, he chose to die for you.” Okay, but that’s all of us. That includes people who are very good and people who are very bad. I want to know what You think of me. Me, God. Do I dare come around the corner (again) and see…?

What is this yearning in us to be seen? Why does it matter if we as individuals matter? Well, I know how destructive it is to believe I did not matter. It is horrible. It is crushing. To learn I didn’t mean anything to my parents other than what need in them I could fulfill was and is profoundly disturbing. If I didn’t matter to them, how could I matter to anyone? The only way I could receive anything approaching love — affirmation, approval — was to find ways to give. If I wasn’t giving, I was a non-entity.

Reflection

In what ways did you do things in order to matter to your caregivers?

Prayer

Dear God, we learn who we are and how much we matter by the way we’re treated by our first caregivers. This informs how we see ourselves and our place in the world. It is no small thing. You know this, and that tells us You are prepared to help us correct what has been misinformed. May we work with You to do just this. Amen.