Mattering to God
Dear God, this is Kelley.
Adults with abusive pasts don’t shed the consequences of abuse just because we become adults. The consequences are many, and they are frustrating, even disabling. They leak into our everyday lives, whether we want them to or not and whether we notice them or not.
A lot us, God, sit out in the lobby where You’re concerned. We avoid being seen out here. What if You see us in the same way our parents did? What if we’re just for use? What if we get dismissed? What if we’re not welcome because we’re not giving enough, serving enough, sacrificing enough?
How You built the world tells us about You. So, I look around for clues, and I think immediately of how I see my own children. They don’t have to do anything in order for me to love them. I just love them. I delight in them. Can I accept this is precisely how You see each one of us?
Isaiah tells us, “See, upon the palms of my hands I have written your name” (49:16).
And can each of us not see in our lives evidence of Your care, even in the midst of great suffering? Did You not weave your grace in and out, through and through, comforting us with this person, strengthening us with that one, instilling the immense power of hope to fuel us?
It takes courage for us to acknowledge this. It takes courage to allow Your love for us to become knowledge. It takes courage (and lots of deliberate work!) to let the consequences of abuse fall from our fingers as we rebuild ourselves with what is true.
Reflection
How did God enter your worst moments to lift you? Ask God to show You, if this is not evident.
Prayer
Something happens when we stand in front of You rather than off to the side, God. Off to the side, we can keep our fears, our dysfunctions, our beliefs that we’re not important. We can stay disabled over here. Things change when we step in front. Things change because when we look at You (and let You look at us), the power of truth becomes evident. And that power must be reckoned with, yes?
