Go deeper again
Here’s the thing: to the degree that you were not loved by a human being, you were loved by God. And here’s the second thing: we’re not taught how to look for the way God loves.
We are made for relationship. From day one, we look to another. If we receive, we have no need to look beyond that other. If we do not receive, we keep looking. We go deeper.
I’ve wondered if we’re privileged in a certain way: going deeper brought us into contact with Solidity itself, the presence of God within. We ran into Knowledge, a firm truth, that told us several things: not receiving from a human being was not how it was intended to work; and it would be okay anyway. This knowledge did not inform us how things would be okay, just that they would. If you turn around and scan your past, you will find evidence of this transaction. That strength, that hope, that drive to keep looking and finding and figuring things out, this wasn’t just you; this was God and you.
I’ve seen what I look like, what I’m capable of, apart from God. Me, without God, is narrow, critical, judgmental, closed, and buried by sorrow and self-pity. This self Richard Rohr calls the “false self.” As long as I feed that self (and the idea that God wasn’t within me this whole time) — and it is far easier to feed this one! — I will remain unhealed, needy, codependent, manipulative and a host of other not-goods. When I feed the true self — the one that submits to the presence of God within, is open to seeing how that presence moves, is grateful for the invitation to take part in looking up, loving, giving, receiving and building — I become, and oh, that becoming is one exhilarating thing!
Go deeper again. Find again what you found then and continue the journey!
Reflection
What signs of strength and resilience do you see in yourself as you look back over your life? Sit with those signs for a bit and open yourself to the presence of Another.
Prayer
Dear God, turning toward You, opening myself to You, oh this is hard! I want to shut down. I want to give ear to what others around me say or might say. Help me to stay open to You, to stop searching outside myself, to simply see within. I am who I am because of You. I am a survivor. I am someone who wants to grow, who wants to love, who wants what is good, not just for myself but for others, too. What other sign of Your presence do I need?
