The default of abuse
It is easy to lose sight of what’s new, what’s unfamiliar, what doesn’t feel like “normal.”
These things do not feel normal to victims of chronic abuse: confidence, happiness, security. After the exhilaration of these for just a few days, doubts creep back up; questions arise; worry ensues. Look out, our past tells us, this cannot be sustained.
I recall bounding happily into a room where a parent was and being confronted with, “How can you be happy when I’m not?” The joy leaked out of me. I learned to check in with those around me before I felt anything. I had to be the barometer of others’ feelings, at the expense of my own.
Think of the precariousness of our existence! We walked cautiously, carefully, with heightened anxiety. This was our normal. This was our default.
But, run into God, give our attention to God, and God insists on change. God insists on what is healthy, what is growth-producing, what is authentic. God will slowly begin to cut the sinews that attach us to what is unhealthy. God will show us how to keep them from growing back. And, if need be, God will cut them again! Do not be alarmed when this is necessary, as cutting these attachments must occur and reoccur on many different levels!
We get to be happy, even as we walk with the sorrows of the world around us. We get to be strong, secure, confident. We get to feel the strength of God from our toes to the top of our heads. Even though we can lose sight of these, they are always at the ready, because they are of God, and God is always at the ready.
Reflection
Describe the exhilaration of actually feeling happy, safe, and strong. What can you do to remind yourself these are yours, as these are of God, and God is within you?!
Prayer
Dear God, when I am in Your presence, I am restored! But, see Lord, these doubts do intrude! I’m not supposed to be happy! I’m not supposed to be confident. I’m not supposed to be secure. But, I am! I am, in You! You approve of me! You approve of me feeling these, experiencing these, being these. Help me to remain in You, and just let these doubts flow right past me. Amen.
