Trauma triggers
I come before God with my arms folded across my chest. It’s not the most receptive of postures, but I know God understands. God understands trauma, even some 40 years in.
Yes, there are times when I am overwhelmed even now. When the mind and the body hold “the score” (in Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk’s words) from 19 years, from thousands of instances of abuse, from some 7,000 days of trying to figure out why it was happening, what I’d done wrong, and how I could stop it, there are so many triggers, reminders, and trap doors.
And so I’m catapulted back again, as if the past 40 years just collapsed. I’m no longer 58. I’m 9 or 12 or 17 and single sounds and images are flashing in my mind. They come with an emotional veil that wraps itself around me and squeezes, restricting my breathing, and allowing in that awful mixture of shame, rage, humiliation, pain, and the horrible sense of no way out.
I’m adept at pulling myself away, physically, to a safe spot where I can be alone with God*. I remind myself to breathe, deeply, slowly. I use my hands to tap my legs rhythmically, left-right, left-right, and I say these words aloud, words pulled from Psalm 139…
I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
This proclamation reminds me Who made me and Who intends to see me to safety. It is a prayer, beckoning God to come quickly and remind myself He already has.
God didn’t make us with this fascinating complexity just to leave us to figure out on our own how well we’re equipped to deal with trauma. Dissociation, PTSD — yes, these make living in the present challenging, but they are fantastic ways our mind and body shielded us from the brunt of something that would have taken us down otherwise.
There is much to be gained in this journey. We can learn an appreciation for the ways God has gifted our minds and bodies in our endurance of trauma. But there is far more, more abilities, more gifts, more realizations as we walk with God toward healing.
Be willing to make the whole journey.
Reflection
What images do you hold of yourself in regard to the ways you responded to trauma? Have you taken the time to learn how human beings tend to respond? Reading Dr. Kolk’s book mentioned above can help you do just this. We deserve to understand.
Prayer
Dear God, help me to see how wonderfully You made me. Help me to appreciate and understand how I responded. May I respond to triggers now in healthy ways. Show me how to follow You toward healing.
*We deserve to heal in the midst of others. Readers are strongly encouraged to seek therapy and to build around yourselves a few trusted souls who will listen without judgment.
