Colors of all kinds
I’m sure the people around me wished I weren’t so caught, so defined by the abuse, especially in the early years of my healing. But I was. That is the impact of trauma. It keeps us right where it happened, with the alarm bells going off.
I spent a great deal of energy figuring out ways to separate that cacophony from my current life. I didn’t want people to hear it. They would look down on me. They would see me as broken, ruined, just like I felt. It was like seeing a visitor coming and trying like mad to shove a hundred yelling people into one small closet. It just became too hard to hide.
So, we go in search of healing, and we open that closet door, and all that noise is vomited there on the floor. We look at it, and we’re overwhelmed. We’ve absolutely no idea what to do with it, how to quiet it, how to move it out of our way.
But God does.
What happened to us was an awful storm. It was unpredictable, terrifying, debilitating — to us. But it was not so to God. God knew what they would do. God knew how we would respond. God intervened in ways that kept our heads above water, and He will show us just what He did, if we care to see.
Healing is a second storm, yes. It is not easy. It is agonizing actually. But it is a liberating, fascinating one. We learn things of God. We learn things of ourselves. We go from a victim to a person of security and power. It is like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz — black and white inside, but when we open that door and begin to take the steps toward healing, ah! Colors of all kinds!
Reflection
Where are you? Have you opened the door? Are you peaking out? Or, are you fully outside, ready to engage with God?
Prayer
Dear God, I’m tired of being caught by trauma. I want to free myself. There are so many tendrils that have me bound — doubts, fear, ways I think and behave! Is this even possible?! I am angry. I am spent. But, You know what I went through. You went through it with me, yes? Lead me now, Lord, out of this. Let me treat this as sacred ground where I now get to heal. Amen.