We’re caught

Looking back into my past can be dangerous. I can picture myself walking up the steps of the house I lived in when I was 17. It’s funny how my breathing almost stops, and my shoulders fall forward, as if something massively heavy was just laid upon them.

It was.

This is how most of us exist, isn’t it? We can be okay in the present, but we’re not really here, totally, in the present. Parts of us are still caught in the hallways and bedrooms, in the closets and bathrooms of our childhood homes. We’re caught in moments frozen in time, moments that have sickening feelings, explosive feelings, and fade-out all crammed into our chests and shoved over to the side.

And, oh, God, should something occur that reminds us of one of those particular moments, well, then, good luck staying in the present at all. No! We’re sucked back, with the exception now being that we have a voice, we have muscles that move. We yell. We lash out. And the people of today, people who have no awareness of our having combined today with a hideous crime from our past, react with confusion and shock.

How many times has this happened to you? Dozens and dozens, I reply. It leaves broken relationships. It leaves us with a lot of explaining to do. It leaves us feeling marred, ruined.

We’re not ruined. What we are is marvelous! We are complex, fantastic beings! We are impressionable, sensitive, and beloved.

“I will praise you; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made…” (Psalm 139:14

We are not alone. God cares deeply for our wounds.

“You take account of my wandering; put my tears in your bottle…” (Psalm 56:8)

And He has no intent of leaving us in this half-there, half-here existence.

“He sent from above, He took me; He drew me out of many waters…. the Lord was my support … He delivered me because he delighted in me.” (Psalm 18:16, 18, 19)

Be willing to work with Him.*

Reflection

What is your experience of being half-there, half-here?

Prayer

Dear God, I want to live fully in the present. Help me to believe I can do so, with your grace and guidance. Not only can I step into my now without the shame, confusion, fear, and anger, but I can do so confidently, gently, and powerfully, led by You.

*Survivors are strongly encouraged to seek professional, licensed therapeutic assistance. Dealing with consequences of abuse can be debilitating and frightening. We endured the abuse alone; we must not heal alone. See Resources.