Choice

Dear God, this is Kelley.

We have to choose. We who survived abusive and dysfunctional environments are used to feeling down. We’re used to being wary, suspicious, fearful, anxious, and even angry. We’re used to pointing out everything that can go wrong. We’re used to being betrayed, cheated, and abandoned.

But that was then. We were kids. We didn’t have control. We didn’t have choice. And this being true doesn’t make all those feelings, those frames of mind, those perceptions go away. The suspicion, the fear, the anxiety, the anger, they’re all still here. We’re still wearing them.

But we do not have to. We can put them down. It takes choice. Not just one choice, but many. Choice after choice after choice. It takes a recognition that the suspicion, the fear, the anxiety, the anger are all memory. We do not have to feel them now. We can replace those old feelings with new ones.

We can be happy.

Reflection

How often is sorrow, anger, anxiety, suspicion simply memory?

Prayer

Dear God, help me to realize I don’t have to keep wearing the weight that comes with abuse. Yes, it manifests itself in so many ways, but I don’t have to keep hold of it. I can peel it off. I can choose to see the reality I live in now: the abuse is over; I’ve figured out how it impacted me; I can mourn it, grieve it, and, I can choose to new ways of being: contentment, peace, and even joy. Amen.