Feelings are memory, too
You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. (Isaiah 58:11)
Dear God, this is Kelley.
Memory is a funny thing. Events and faces can fade and come back every now and then. Facts and figures can fade and come back. Feelings can too. Feelings can be the stuff of memory.
Sometimes events and faces make such an impression, they aren’t far from us. They are like memory whose storage is just in the next room. Well, this can happen, too, with feelings, except with feeling, they aren’t just in the next room. They can be right here, right now.
When fear and dread are felt for so long, as happens in abusive households, they become familiar suitors, so to speak. They don’t really need to come back. They never left. They hang on us like clothes we just never had the opportunity to take off. It doesn’t occur to us that we have the power to take them off now.
I’m sitting here on a beautiful day. All is well around me. But nothing is well within me. That fear and dread are here. It doesn’t take much to conjure up shame, guilt, and rage as well. I’m afraid now. I was afraid then. I’m confused now. I was confused then. I’m terrified of being criticized, called, used, hurt, shamed. I tell myself all is well now, but my voice is like a whisper against veritable shouts.
And then I’m reminded of the power of a still, small voice (cf 1Kings 19). It is the voice of God, and I remember true power isn’t loud. It does not work by way of force. All I need do is walk toward that soft sound. All I need do is consent to turn that way, and I can feel the weight of those old feelings ease. Somehow, some way, their grip gives, and I can walk free. But I must walk! I can’t keep turning ‘round to gaze at them, to see if they’ll run after (because they will!). I must keep walking.
Reflection
Are you aware that feelings are memory, too, and you have choice and power in their regard?
Prayer
Dear God, it’s easy to walk around with feelings from the past. Help me to remember I do not have to feel them. I can turn toward You. I can heed Your voice. It’s not a one-and-done decision, however. Years of negative feelings will take deliberation. You will do Your part, yes, but I must do mine. I must walk away from the negative feelings and constantly turn toward You. May I use the grace You give me. Amen.