Expecting harm

Dear God, this is Kelley.

It doesn’t take much to scare us. Because we’ve been betrayed as children, we expect harm in some form. Expecting harm becomes our default. And if we expect it, we will look for it, and we’ll find it. We’ll cower at every sideways remark. We’ll rise up at every hint of harm. If we’re not volatile on the outside, we are on the inside!

You help us to confront this default. Oh, it takes work! We have to build our own sense of self. We have to nurture an awareness of our perceptions. We have to dig deep, find all the ways this default manifests itself, and be deliberate in changing each one.

I am abrasive, God, and I’m quick to be that way. Even if someone close says or does something that can be read as dismissive or critical of me, I’m rising up and protesting or retreating to nurse my wounds. But then later — and sometimes not much later — the true intent of what was said or done becomes evident, and I have to make amends.

This is the hard work of healing. It makes survivors of childhood trauma not easy to live with. But with Your grace, God, we can keep growing, and we can be catalysts to personal growth for those around us, too.

Reflection

How easily do you “sound” off? How accurate are your perceptions in such instances? Do you make amends?

Prayer

Dear God, we can be a bundle of live wires! Thank You for being right here for us. Thank You for Your grace. It is more powerful than the dis-ease within us. Remind us of that. May we choose hope. May we choose patience. May we renew our commitment to follow You toward becoming the humans You’re empowering us to be. Amen.