Resistance
I’ve been at this for over 30 years and doubts still catch me upright. Oh, my God, what if I lied!? What if I was mistaken? What if I wasn’t abused at all!?
Does this sound familiar?
These accusations, this resistance is not only familiar. It is harmful. It can delay healing. For some of us, it can end up stopping that healing altogether. Why, then, do we do pay attention? Why do we entertain the doubts? Why do we allow the resistance to truth?
Books have been written in explanation, but for brevity’s sake…
Abused children are taught to doubt themselves and their perceptions of all things. In other words, we were not raised to believe in ourselves nor to stand on our own.
Traumatic memory isn’t as clearly “read” as normal memory. It is easily doubted.
It’s easier in some ways to entertain the doubts than to look to God for the courage and grace to face the truth. In short, healing from abuse is hard.
When a child is abused, that child learns to repress feelings — outrage, fear, sorrow, confusion. The pressure exerted to keep all that feeling down is massive. Facing the truth (with proper professional support) eases that pressure, and those feelings can be frightening! In short, we can blow!
Stating truth in an environment built and kept “stable” by lies requires stability, support, grace, courage, and the construction of a separate environment. This takes time and is often done as we heal, hence a messy, confusing, and prolonged journey.
Admitting abuse entails a grieving process. Grief is never easy. It is never short. It is often isolating.
It is a good day when we can finally put resistance to rest. This shouldn’t be expected early in our journeys, and the ability to do this is also dependent upon the severity of abuse suffered.
Jesus urges us to read the signs (Matthew 16:3), and He will give us all the signs (and grace) we need to believe what is true. Until we get to this point, however, we must have compassion for ourselves. We can expect resistance to come. We are wise to establish a way to notice it but, as the Buddhists say, don’t serve it tea. Gently usher it out the way it came in!
Reflection
What role do your doubts and accusations play? Do they tend to stall your growth? How can you gently push them away?
Prayer
Dear God, it is hard to face abuse. It can be isolating, frightening, and even debilitating. You, Lord, are the Way, the Truth, and the Life (John 14:6). Help me to accept what is true. Give me the grace to commit myself to the truth, and to grow in my ability to trust that You are leading me. I don’t know how to do this, Lord, but You do. May I keep following You. Amen.