The weight

Illustration by Rebecca Jo Heaston.

Dear God, this is Kelley.

Every morning, God. Every morning, I wake up with a weight on me. I feel burdened, worried, afraid. I search for reasons — did I do something to hurt another? Did I leave the doors unlocked? Was the stove left on last night? No. No. No.

These feelings are memory. They are the ones I used to wear as I grew up. Moods were unpredictable. Words that really stung could be said at any time. Things could be done.

You help me to set these aside, Lord, but I have to help, too. You make me aware of these memories. You help me see how they still hound me — they feed how I see the world, how I see my self, how I question others’ love for me.

Thank You, Lord, for reminding me this is memory. Thank You for the grace to see my way through to the joy and strength You leave for me to find. Thank You for reminding me I have to make the effort to push through and be deliberate in picking up the joy and strength. They don’t feel familiar, but I can do it! With Your grace, I can do it.

Reflection

How often do feelings from the past visit you? Do you see the wisdom in recognizing these feelings as memory?

Prayer

Dear God, even my feelings can be memory. I don’t have to continue feeling afraid, suspicious, and angry. I don’t have to question myself or hate myself. I don’t have to. You make all things new (Rev 21:5). You are making me new. Thank You, Lord. Amen.